Gottman’s Four Horseman overview for couples
The "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" is a concept developed by relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman to describe the four negative communication patterns that can predict the breakdown of a relationship. These four behaviors are particularly destructive because they can erode trust, intimacy, and overall connection. Here's a summary of each:
1. Criticism
Criticism goes beyond a simple complaint and attacks a partner’s character or personality. Instead of focusing on specific behaviors, criticism involves blaming the other person for who they are.
Example: "You never listen to me!" vs. "I feel unheard when you’re on your phone while I’m talking."
Impact: This creates defensiveness in the other partner and puts them on the defensive, making it harder for them to engage in productive conversation.
Antidote: Expressing your needs using “I”statements and describing your feelings/experience and your needs.
Example: “I feel lonely could we spend time together”. “I feel like I am not being heard, could we have a conversation without our phones around us”.
2. Contempt
Contempt is the most damaging of the Four Horsemen. It involves treating your partner with disdain, disrespect, or mockery. This often includes sarcasm, name-calling, eye-rolling, and hostile humor.
Example: "Oh great, another stupid idea from you," or using a mocking tone.
Impact: Contempt can make your partner feel worthless and unloved, leading to emotional disengagement and increased conflict. It is a major predictor of divorce.
Antidote: Use appreciation and respect with your chosen partner.
Example: That is a good idea, could we talk more about different options for our date this weekend.
3. Defensiveness
Defensiveness is an attempt to protect oneself from perceived criticism or attack by deflecting blame or making excuses. Instead of taking responsibility, the defensive partner often shifts the blame or denies any wrongdoing.
Example: "I wouldn't have done that if you hadn't…," or "It's not my fault, you always…"
Impact: Defensiveness escalates conflict and prevents resolution, as it signals to the other person that their feelings and concerns are being ignored or invalidated.
Antidote: Taking responsibility and listening to their experience.
Example: “How I responded/behaved is my responsibility, not yours. Could you tell me again about your experience and I will do my best to listen”.
4. Stonewalling
Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from the conversation or shuts down emotionally, refusing to engage or communicate. This can be a way of avoiding conflict or protecting oneself from overwhelming emotions.
Example: Giving the silent treatment, walking away from an argument, or responding with minimal effort ("uh-huh," "whatever").
Impact: Stonewalling can leave the other partner feeling abandoned and unheard. Over time, it can lead to emotional disconnection and increased frustration.
Antidote: Take a break from the conversation and use this time to calm and self sooth. If you have a heart rate monitor check and see if your heart rate is elevated, research shows heart rates over 100BPM indicate that it is a good time to take a break from a difficult conversation. Set a time to come back to the conversation and try again. It is OK to take a break and try again!
Gottman’s research shows that when these behaviors become habitual, they can create a toxic communication cycle that undermines relationships. Recognizing and addressing these patterns early can help couples improve communication and strengthen their relationship.
If you are interested in couples counseling schedule a consultation with Ryan Ferguson, LMHC.